Our lives are full of ups and downs. We spend years and decades trying to fit in, to get outward validation to be accepted in the world. And during all this kerfuffle, we forget to understand that the one who we should be trying to please is ourselves.
But loving ourselves isn’t always easy. The overbearing burden of our own expectations, and what we must be is enough to incapacitate the best of us. To become more beautiful, to lose weight, to be smarter, and a thousand more we could easily add to our lists of self-deprecation.
This is exactly where the practice of unconditional self-love comes in. So let’s take this a step at a time. What does “unconditional self-love” actually mean?
What is Unconditional Self-Love?
Unconditional /ˌʌnkənˈdɪʃən(ə)l /
Adjective
Not subject to any conditions.
Imagine that feeling you get when you see a puppy, a kitten, or your child. What have they done to receive such immense love and adoration except simply exist?
Unconditional self-love means loving yourself regardless of your flaws, imperfections, or past experiences. To simply exist and to be loved is often a reality that is difficult to comprehend – but immensely gratifying in practice.
It is about developing a deep respect and admiration for oneself, without having to constantly prove to yourself that you deserve it. It is about the jolt of love you get seeing a wagging tail, or the tears of joy that are brought upon by your child’s first steps.
As we dive into incorporating the practices of self-love into our lives, we will also take inspiration from the beauty and wisdom found in Japanese culture – diving into the Zen lifestyle of finding love and joy within.
The practice of Self-Love
Self-love isn’t a one-time fix-all activity that happens over a weekend. Self-love is a practice that spans years, and often our entire lives. It takes great dedication and strength to love oneself in both good times and bad, to be able to go to sleep without a heavy heart. And this is exactly where our first step comes in – gratitude.
1. Gratitude: Remind yourself of the good around you
Gratitude is a topic that has been talked about in immense proportions over the past decade, and for good reason. As human beings, we have a tendency of holding on to times of trouble, and forgetting all about the good. This is because when we were still discovering fire and trying to survive in the wild, this basic human instinct is what kept us alive.
Even today, animals in the wild have particular memories hard wired for survival that helps them avoid predators and find food and shelter. Remembering the moments in our lives when we failed does teach us to be more careful, and often to make better decisions. However, ruminating in the past is where the problem lies.
Say a few words of gratitude every morning and/or every night to remind yourself to snap out of your cycle of rumination, and to live in the present moment of love. Here are a few questions to ask yourself every day:
Morning
- How will today be a good day?
- What can I do to make today better?
- If there is no tomorrow, how can I make today count?
- Do I choose to be happy today?
Night
- What are some things that made me smile today?
- What or who am I grateful to have in my life today?
- How was I kind to myself today?
These are not questions that you should have answers to every day. They are simply markers to build a positive outlook on life.
2. Be mindful: Finding Stillness in the Present Moment
Another popular activity that has been talked about for generations in meditation, particular Zen meditation. This practice, deeply rooted in Japanese Buddhism, is all about being fully present in the moment. It is a practice to simply be.
Here is a quick guide to zen meditation:
Find a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed.
Sit comfortably, either cross-legged on the floor or in a chair, and close your eyes. If you’d like, lying down on your bed is also an option.
Focus on a specific activity in your body – especially your breathing. (40-70%)
As you meditate, many thoughts will arise—perhaps memories of past mistakes or worries about the future. Rather than engaging with these thoughts, simply acknowledge them and let them pass, like watching the water flow from a river.
With regular practice, Zen meditation helps you connect with your inner self on a deeper level. It reminds you that you are not just your thoughts or your emotions; but something that is much deeper. Instead of a drop in the river, you are the ocean that vessels it. This simple yet powerful realization can bring a profound sense of self, to not be burdened by passing thoughts of the past, present or the future.
3. Get out into the World : Healing in Nature
Another way to embrace self-love is by spending time in nature, a practice known in Japan as Shinrin-yoku, or forest bathing. Shinrin-yoku involves immersing yourself in the natural world, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. This isn’t about hiking or exercising—it’s about slowing down and being fully present in nature.
When you engage in Shinrin-yoku, you allow yourself to connect with the world around you in a peaceful and restorative way. The rustling of leaves, the scent of pine, the sound of a nearby stream—these elements help calm the mind and soothe the soul. In this state of mindfulness, you can let go of your worries and self-criticisms, making room for love and compassion for yourself.
Studies have shown that spending time in nature reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and boosts mood. When we feel good physically and mentally, it becomes easier to cultivate unconditional self-love. So, next time you’re feeling overwhelmed or disconnected, take a walk in the woods or sit under a tree. Allow nature to remind you of your inherent worth, just as you are.
4. Savour the Simple Moments
Have you tried green tea? Green tea is more than just a beverage in Japan—it’s a symbol of mindfulness and tranquillity. The Japanese tea ceremony, known as chanoyu, is a deeply meditative practice where every movement, from the boiling of the water to the whisking of the tea, is performed with great intention and care. The tea ceremony teaches us that being fully present in an action can turn something mundane into something extraordinary.
While you don’t need to perform a full tea ceremony, you can bring elements of this practice into your daily life. Make yourself a cup of tea every morning and take a few minutes to savor it mindfully. Notice the warmth of the cup in your hands, the color of the tea, the aroma, and the taste as you take a sip. Let this small, mundane moment be an act of immense love – reminding you to slow down and be grateful.
Green tea is also packed with antioxidants and other health benefits, so it’s a great way to show your body some love from the inside out. By incorporating small rituals like this into your day, you can create space for self-care and reflection, helping you to build a deeper connection with yourself.
5. Accepting Imperfection in you and in the world
One of our greatest sources of pain is when our expectations aren’t met.
In Japanese culture, there’s a concept called wabi-sabi, which celebrates the beauty of imperfection and impermanence. It’s the idea that life’s most precious moments are often found in its flaws and fleeting nature. Embracing the imperfection around you can be a powerful step toward unconditional self-love, as it encourages us to let go of the need for perfection – to love ourselves as we are.
We often hold ourselves to impossibly high standards, expecting that we must be flawless in order to be worthy of love—whether from others or ourselves. But the idea of wabi-sabi teaches us that it’s okay to be imperfect. In fact, it’s our imperfections that make us unique and beautiful.
The next time you catch yourself being overly critical of your appearance, abilities, or choices, take a moment to reflect on wabi-sabi. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on appreciating yourself as you are right now. In this very moment, there is not a soul alive that resembles you to the fullest, truly giving light to the phrase “one in a billion”.
This shift in mindset can help you cultivate a more compassionate and loving relationship with yourself.
*Ryoan-ji is one of the most beautiful Zen temples to visit in Kyoto, Japan. This site houses a mystical rock garden. Fifteen rocks are arranged on a layer of white gravel. What defies logic though is that no matter where you’re standing, you’ll only see 14 rocks, reflecting the beauty in imperfection.
6. Releasing Expectations: Let Go of External Validation
We live in a world that often measures our worth based on external validation—how successful we are, how we look, or what others think of us. But unconditional self-love means releasing the need for approval from others. It’s about understanding that your value doesn’t depend on anyone else’s opinion.
This doesn’t mean you stop caring about your relationships or achievements. It means recognizing that your worth isn’t tied to them. Whether you’re celebrated or criticized, loved or overlooked, your value remains the same.
One way to practice this is by meditating on the concept of muga, a Zen principle that encourages non-attachment to the self. Muga reminds us that our true nature isn’t defined by our ego or external achievements. By letting go of the need for validation, you free yourself to live more authentically and love yourself more deeply.
7. Practice Self-Compassion: Be Kind to Yourself
Self-compassion is the foundation of unconditional self-love. It’s the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you’d offer to a friend. When you make a mistake, instead of berating yourself, try offering yourself words of comfort: “It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. You’re doing your best.”
Incorporating self-compassion into your daily life can be transformative. The next time you’re feeling down or overwhelmed, take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. Ask, “What do I need right now?” Whether it’s rest, a good cry, or a comforting meal, give yourself permission to meet that need without judgment.
Self-compassion isn’t about ignoring your flaws or avoiding growth—it’s about recognizing that you are human, and humans are inherently imperfect. By showing yourself compassion, you create a nurturing environment for growth and healing.
8. Building a Mindful Routine: Daily Acts of Self-Love
Unconditional self-love isn’t something you achieve overnight. It’s a daily practice that requires intention and care. One way to build this practice into your life is by creating a mindful routine that prioritizes self-care and reflection.
Start by incorporating small acts of self-love into your day, such as taking a few minutes for Zen meditation, enjoying a cup of green tea, or spending time in nature. These moments of mindfulness help you reconnect with yourself and cultivate a deeper sense of self-acceptance.
Over time, as you practice these rituals, you’ll find that unconditional self-love becomes less of a distant goal and more of a natural part of your daily life.
Conclusion: The Journey to Unconditional Self-Love
Embracing unconditional self-love is a journey, not a destination. It’s about accepting yourself fully, in all your complexity, and treating yourself with the kindness and compassion you deserve. By incorporating practices like Zen meditation, Shinrin-yoku, and the simple ritual of green tea, you can create moments of peace and mindfulness that help you connect with your inner self.
Remember, you are worthy of love—just as you are. And as you continue on this journey, you’ll discover that the more you love yourself unconditionally, the more you can share that love with the world around you.
With each step you take toward self-love, you’re building a life that is rich in peace, joy, and fulfilment. So take a deep breath, take a sip from your green tea, and enjoy the beauty that is life.
